Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Sometimes I'm Not So Smart

On April 21st 2006 I found out I was pregnant. On April 30th 2006 I smoked my last cigarette.
I quit because I had to; it was what was best for the health of my baby. I didn't really want to quit, and honestly, I felt resentful of the fact that I had to (addict logic, heh). So, I spent my entire pregnancy looking forward to the day I could light up again. I missed my venti, quad caramel machiatto and cigarette on my breaks at work and the relaxing smoke outside on my balcony. After housecleaning, an ice tea and a smoke. Nothing so nice as a cup of coco and a cigarette out on the balcony before bed. I also worried about my wieght. I gained 60lbs. with this pregnancy; weight I would not have gained if I had not quit smoking. I wondered how I would ever get back into my size 8 and 10 pants again. I obsessed over this for months. So when after I brought Baby G home and the breastfeeding didn't work out, at the first opportunity I had, I bought some smokes, and smoked them, and then smoked some more. Now, two weeks later, I totally regret my decision to start smoking again. What the hell was I thinking? I'm not enjoying anything about it. I have to wait for the opportunity to have one, and then find something to cover up with, either a sweater or jacket, so that I don't have smoke residue on my clothing. (Smoking outside isn't an issue for me because I have done it for the past 10 years.) After I smoke I have to go wash my hands and face and then put lotion on because my skin is so dry from the constant washing. I end up making Aaron wait to go to sleep after he has watched Baby G while I sleep so I can have my coffee and cigarette before he leaves me with the baby. No fun for anyone. Lets not even get in to the financial aspects of smoking when I can't afford it....There are so many other issues and problems this brings up for me. Day care options (I'm considering Nanny share care), playgroups, just being social, in California, with other parents. Being in California in general is no fun for a smoker anyway. So after two weeks of smoking I feel the need to quit, but this time it's because I want to, kind of.
The nicotine withdrawal is the easy part of quitting, that's what I don't get about the quit smoking aids with nicotine in them, none of which have ever worked for me. In about a week the nicotine is out of your system, you're done; after that it's all psychological, but that is the hard part, at least for me.
So in posting this, I'm hoping to hold myself accountable. I want something out there to remind me of what I was thinking about this morning....Now I have to go have a cigarette while I can......

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